Friday, 11 November 2011

EW tide!!!

It’s the time of year when malls start playing their Bony M Christmas collections & various compilations of cover-version carols. I can not tell you what they are, because all I hear is “I want, I want!!!” from my kids. Since I am a pushover, I am certainly not looking forward to the Ka-ching of Cash Registers and the endless finger exercises I will get when using my cards to get them what they want.
What I am looking forward to is a holiday. We will be staying with friends who live by the coast. I have 5 weeks to get my beach body ready. What’s the plan?

Step 1: Loose weight & Firm up (lunges for my legs, crunches for my arms). Keep eating small portions, drink lots of water & exercise every day for 30 minutes. IF I am dedicated enough not to eat sweets & drink 3 glasses of Coke daily, it will be 500 grams a day, 7 days a week = total weight loss of 3.5kg in one week. However, that dedicated I am not. So a total of 4kgs in 4 weeks is fine for me. It’s so easy I almost want start today. 
Step 2: Get a tan (not going to happen naturally, so any advice out there on cheap alternatives are welcome!!!)
Step 3: Get rid of Cellulite – Lymph drainage massage works the best. Since I am a DYI girl, it will involve some painful smacking of my things & butt, followed by squeezing the “broken down” fat bits to my ankles. (Fun)
Step 4: Have roots retouched – make appoint at beauty school for their next “salon” day when they need to practise their techniques.
Step 5: Buy a swimsuit that fits. Since the size 12 (or RSA size 36) I bought last year is too big for me now, this is a necessity. I totally hate shopping when I am not yet ready to face those mirrors.  What’s the deal with them anyway? I swear they are designed to make you NOT want to buy clothes. If Department stores had half a clue, they would dim the lights, and place the mirrors in angles that best compliments a women’s body. All facing UP! I can’t tell you how many times I adored an outfit, only to see it on me and drop the whole idea right there!! Those mirrors show every imperfection & somehow always manage to widen my hips & butt. I buy clothes off the rack now, because I know it will look better from my mirror’s perspective ;-)

5 steps to go…now if only there was a cure for stretch marks?? I still have them on my knees from when I was fat and then off course they are the evidence that I am a mother, which I bear on my stomach, thighs, butt & hips. second thought...NAH!! I will carry them with pride for now.